Relationships and marriages are built around trust and intimacy. When these elements are present, they create a safe haven and a loving environment, which allows a relationship or marriage to grow and thrive. There are, however, a few factors that can negatively impact these fundamentals, like money, intercourse, parenting, in-laws, and communication. Miscommunication and misunderstandings is believed to be the cause of the majority of failed marriages and relationships; thus, it is very important to understand why these occur and why communication plays such a vital role in a successful marriage.

How do misunderstandings occur?

There are many reasons misunderstandings can occur, one of them being that we avoid honesty in fear of the consequences it may cause, because we want to avoid the pain it may cause, or there isn’t an environment that cultivates honesty. In order to be completely transparent and honest, we need to consider the different aspects of honesty, namely historical honesty, current honesty, emotional honesty, and future honesty.

We need to be honest about our past, as it can have an effect on the present. For example, if there is dishonesty about debt that has been accumulated, it can cause serious distrust and disagreements in the marriage. Previous experiences can influence our current behavior, and present situations may trigger an emotional response due to a past behavior. Your spouse may not understand why you are reacting in a certain manner and become upset themselves.

We also need to be honest about our current state, regardless of the situation. For example, when you come home from work and need to decompress in the car for 30 minutes, tell your partner you need that time. We all have limited emotional capacity, which means that our brains can only process a certain amount of stimuli and information. Often times, we aren’t honest with ourselves and our partners when we reach our limit, so we get overwhelmed and react badly to a simple question, for example, hurting our partner in the process.

Emotional honesty refers to being honest about your feelings; don’t tell your partner you are fine if something is bothering you. Many misunderstandings come about when we expect our spouse to know how we feel and then get angry at them for not understanding you or considering your feelings. Unfortunately, your spouse won’t know that something is bothering you unless you say it.

And lastly it’s important to be honest about the future, for example if you don’t want kids you need to be clear about that from the start. Also, be honest about your ambitions and aspirations for the future because it can cause issues when two people in a marriage grow in completely different directions, which is one of the many reasons couples part ways.

Misunderstandings can also occur when we make assumptions about situations. For example, if our partner comes home late from work a few nights in a row, we immediately assume that they are having an affair. Instead of communicating about it, we let it fester and continue to assume that they are having an affair, resulting in unnecessary conflict. This highlights one of the key factors that lead to misunderstandings, and that is a lack of communication. If we do not discuss things, we don’t know what the other party is thinking, feeling, or what they mean, and we start to make assumptions that lead to conflict.

Relationship dynamics

Every relationship is different and the dynamics will inevitably be different as well, that being said there are certain dynamics that will be applicable to majority of relationships. It is important to establish what role we play in our marriage and together decide what the dynamic of the relationship will be. A marriage is not always 50/50 as we all have limited capacity to process stimuli and sometimes when we are tired and overwhelmed we struggle to focus or find the motivation and energy to fulfil our role at full capacity within the relationship.

Instead of negative compromising couples should learn to negotiate as with negative compromise there is usually one person that gets their way and another that makes a sacrifice. A lot of the time it is the same person that makes compromises or sacrifices which can lead to resentment of the other. Through learning how to negotiate you both agree to mutually beneficial terms so there are no ‘winners’ or ‘losers’.

Communication is key

Discourse is an integral part of a successful relationship as it lays the foundation for trust and intimacy. We know gender roles have changed a lot in the past years with both partners working full time thus having limited time to spend together and if they have children they have even less time together. This means that couples spend a lot less time communicating with each other and make a lot more assumptions as they don’t always have the time to clarify with their partner what they meant when they asked, ‘Have you taken out the trash?’.

There are a few factors that influence how a message is delivered (coded) and received (decoded) which include the words you speak, your facial expression and body language, as well as your tone of voice. It is estimated that only 7% of communication is verbal whereas about 38% takes place via tone and inflection, but the most significant contributor, at around 55%, is body language.

We all know the saying ‘women are from Venus and men are from Mars’ and it turns out that there is quite a bit of truth to that as men and women tend to think, process things and communicate in very different ways. Women tend to have better memory and social cognition skills, which might be why women tend to be better at reading social cues. Men have better motor skills, faster reaction times and better spatial abilities, which is why they tend to be quicker on their feet, taking things literally and thinking more rationally.

We all communicate differently and have our unique styles, some people prefer to talk, some prefer to listen and analyse, others enjoy touching people when they talk, some people do not like to be touched and then some people prefer to speak concisely, in black and white, whereas others prefer to communicate in colour, using descriptive words. Miscommunication can occur when for example someone who speaks concisely communicates with someone who likes to use descriptive words; the person who likes to use descriptive words may think the other person is rude.

Male brains are structured to aid connectivity between perception and coordinated action, while female brains are designed to aid communication between analytical and intuitive processing modes. This indicates that males and females not only relay information differently but they also process information differently. Females tend to assign emotional meaning to the message that is being communicated whereas men tend to take the message literally at face value. So if a wife says that she ‘hates her life’ she may mean that she’s unhappy with where she is in her life in relation to her job but a husband may take it literally thinking she means she is unhappy with him as he is part of her life.

As mentioned, there are two main parts to communication, a message that is coded and delivered and the other part is the message being received and encoded. The way someone receives a message is not only reliant on the person delivering the message but it is influenced by various internal factors and triggers. Thus it is important identify your personal receptor fields, know what your triggers are and monitor your response towards them. This will enable you to not be reactive but proactive in how you receive the message allowing you to dictate your response as opposed to allowing emotions being the sole driver.

Tips to effectively communicate

  • What’s your tone and body language saying; it’s not always what you say, but how you say it.
  • Pay attention; get to know your partner, their likes and dislikes, when they want to communicate, and how they like to communicate.
  • Make time to talk; it is crucial to spend at least 90 minutes a week having meaningful conversations without distractions (this does not include time spent together romantically, etc.).
  • Be open, transparent, and honest with yourself and your partner, communicate your wants, needs, and expectations, as honesty and transparency are the basis for trust.
  • Identify patterns; think about how you are communicating, when you communicate, whether it is healthy or toxic, and whether there is room for improvement.
  • It’s not 50/50; sometimes one person has less capacity than the other and the other needs to put in more effort. Communicate this to your spouse and tell them 'Baby, today I can only give 20%.
  • Exercise love, compassion and empathy; when communicating with your spouse always do so with these factors in mind.
  • Say it and mean it; speak with intent; do not make empty promises and threats, be clear in what you say.
  • Marital negotiation; learn to negotiate and find a middle ground as opposed to just compromising.
  • Actively listen; do not just listen to respond, but listen to understand.
  • Don’t make assumptions; do not assume what your partner means when they say something. Ask them to clarify.
  • Play your part; communicate what role you both will play in your marriage.
  • Identify your triggers; be mindful of what you find triggering and build up resilience towards it.
  • Learn to negotiate; the aim is to gain understanding, not win the argument.
  • Communicate your minimum necessary requirements; tell your partner what your basic needs and wants are regarding your relationship in order for you to stay committed.

Conclusion

To conclude effective communication is the key to a successful long lasting relationship as not only does it avoid misunderstandings but it also lays the foundation for respect, trust and intimacy. When we learn to negotiate in a marriage we create meaningful discourse and not only learn about each other and how we prefer to communicate but we meet in the middle. If we remember that we need to be aware of how we say things it will also prevent misunderstandings that may lead to unnecessary fights. We also need to keep in mind that our own receptive fields can influence how a message is received so always make sure to not just react but think about your intrinsic response.