The fear of love is the fear of intimacy. We are afraid of entrusting someone with our trust and thus granting a certain access to what about us, what we are in charge of on a daily basis. A certain defence mechanism then develops, which tells us to keep our distance and to be cautious. The ego springs into action, fearing what is unknown, even if only the unfavourable is known. What if it is precisely this lesson of distancing oneself and relinquishing control that is the key to happiness for two?

Shedding control

You cannot shed the fear of love without shedding the first instinct of control. It's like wanting to fly an aeroplane with the landing gear on all the time. Readiness for love needs a certain reliance on intuition and trusting own instincts—not just in terms of love, but as a matter of principle. If in life we subject everything to planning, control, and weave options for securing ourselves in every situation, it will be very difficult for us to meet love.

The opposition to love is also trying to force reality to appear, it is like looking into the cook's kitchen and seeing when he will finally prepare the dish. Opening up to love needs trust at the very stage of expecting it to appear when it is supposed to. And it is not uncommon at this very stage for people to make the mistake of choosing the first person they meet on their path to be their life partner. However, when making a choice in a restaurant, shouldn't we choose what we really fancy and like, rather than deciding on the first dish on the menu?

Self-development

Love comes to those who know who they are. If we are looking for a partner as a rescuer who will liberate us from our problems, or a prince who will save and build a new life from scratch, it will be looking for a substitute for a parent. Love is for adults who share their world with another person, placing their trust in each other. In this sharing there is an opportunity for growth and development as we enrich each other's lives with new values. An expansion of the quality of life thus takes place, making us even happier than before. Love is not a sanatorium for the lonely, the unhappy or the brokenhearted. Love is a sanctuary of self-development for those who are ready to transcend its walls.

A partner who decides to enter into a relationship despite the fact that hasn’t yet internally come to terms with, for example, a betrayal from a previous relationship, has not come to terms with an ex-partner, or has simply not given a chance to get to know himself or herself because has been in a constant search for love, is deceiving the new partner. In such a case, this type of partner really needs a therapist who will liberate him or her from the past and show the tools for self-development. Equally necessary for such a person is time for self-healing and self-discovery until he is in readiness for love.

So how do we recognise when someone is queuing up for love in hunger, instead of in satiety and patience?

Signs of love

Readiness for love should not be based on waiting or searching. It can be an exciting journey to recognise love, but the very waiting for a partner should involve experiencing life - inner and outer - at the same time. Love comes to those who are not waiting for it, but are an expression of it. Our life itself should already be filled to the brim with love - for animals, for daily rituals, the sunshine outside the window, nourishing food. Love has many forms and tuning into its various colours is the perfect training to reach for the shelf above. Friendship itself is already a field for experiencing a certain closeness and trust. If you want to reach higher, start from the level of ordinary everyday life and ask yourself:

  • Is there any space for love in your life?

  • Do you experience love on a daily basis?

  • Towards whom and at what moments do you feel flashes of love?

  • Do you celebrate flashes of love in the form of daily rituals/walks/moments?

  • Do you give love to yourself by gifting yourself with favourite activities, foods etc.?

Love comes to those who have the courage to reach for it. Without calling, checking or planning. And it is a space devoid of any masks. Love looks into where you are afraid to look. Are you ready to share yourself with another person in full authenticity?