At 53, I am a fossil bride.

I feel old and antiquated, and all this wedding planning is making me really tired.

I thought that at this age, I was a seasoned and prudent shopper with lots of experience avoiding marketing gimmicks. I mean, I know how to get all the top styles still at a discount at Nordstrom Rack, and I certainly know how to watch for the 40% off sale rack at Anthropology. However, I’m telling you, when it is your wedding, you start to lose your mind. Just stating the word “wedding” generates an uptick in price with any vendor in town. The food, the booze, the DJ, the dresses, the flowers, the photographer. It all adds up so fast! And everything seems so overpriced.

You start to wonder: Is this really worth it? Isn’t this supposed to be the happiest time of my life?

When I look back on it, I think my breaking point was at the florist, when, after spending hours communicating my “vision” for the wedding, he sent me photos of flowers that were clearly not my vision, coupled with an extraordinary price tag that even I was not expecting. It was at this point that I said, “Why? Why didn’t I just elope?” I thought I was ready to give up and dart to the Caribbean, but then my mom reminded me it would all be worth it in the end, and I’d be glad I had a wedding on that special day.

So, I started thinking smarter and harder, and I learned a few tips along the way that I would like to share with you.

  1. Call your friends! Get referrals. Ask your recently married or even not-so-recently married friends who they used. I wish I had done this one day instead of conducting hours of Internet research. I reached out to friends local to the area to get recommendations. This is how I ended up finding my DJ, my florist, and my photographer. While sites like the Knot have reviews and are, admittedly, very helpful, nothing beats word of mouth for getting the right vendor.

  2. Call the vendor directly (avoid booking through agents). You are definitely going to pay a markup of at least 30% if you book music or certain services through a booking agent. Try to find the phone number or email of the artist online, call them, and ask for their rate.

  3. Find fixed or flat fees. I had to abandon my beloved florist due to their variable rates for every single piece of plant under the sun! I found a florist, however, that worked on a flat fee for full service for my ceremony and reception. By switching to a vendor that offered a fixed fee, I shaved thousands off my original costs.

  4. Negotiate. Negotiate. As a lawyer, you would think this would come naturally to me. But, for example, every photographer I wanted charged for a 6- to 8-hour photo shoot. As aforementioned, I am a fossil bride. I do not need photos of my wedding shoes or my bridesmaids getting ready! I only wanted about three hours of coverage for the ceremony and the beginning of the reception. I found an amazing photographer who just happened to not be booked the day of my wedding, and when I asked her if she would be willing to work for only three hours, she surprisingly said yes! This again saved me thousands of dollars. Just ask! You never know. Most of the folks are independent contractors and have flexibility in pricing.

  5. Know when to settle. I know this is your dream day, but you simply can’t have every single thing you want—unless, of course, resources are unlimited. I knew I really wanted live music and was hoping for a quartet to play at the ceremony and cocktail hour. I did get that. But I settled for a trio, and again, I shaved off quite a bit of the expenses. I also wanted a particular designer for my cake, but she was incredibly expensive and didn’t deliver, to boot. I took a photo of my cake to a local bakery and got the exact replica designed for a fraction of the price—and with Sunday delivery.