Ballet

TW: mention of drug use, eating disorders and mental illness.
Salutations all, welcome back to my little corner within Meer, I do hope that you’re doing well; today’s article also strays from my usual uploads that I have previously been writing about, what I plan to discuss is very near and dear to my heart and that my dear friends is ballet; I have been dancing for twenty-two years starting at the age of six, as I have such a long history with it I thought to share a little about it for those who are not familiar; ballet has an astoundingly long history the origin dating back to the Italian Renaissance, it was developed as a court entertainment that treated noblemen and women to lavish events, specifically wedding celebrations where dancing and music were an ornate spectacle, principal dancers or “dancing masters” (as they were called back then) would teach the choreography to the noblemen/women and the court would participate in the performances.

I thought I would share some of the aspects of ballet that are typically more hush-hush, and unsurprisingly so, nobody wants to hear chatter of eating disorders, drug use, and mental health in the studio, you’re a pretty little thing there to: dance, entertain, and mold yourself into the character you’re playing, fill seats and make sure that you are watched, it’s what we’re for, remember? When I was a little girl, I always thought that ballet was about looking pretty and moving your body so you would look long and lean, little did I know that’s what little dancers did, and then you got older and understood what it really meant to train. The dance world, predominantly ballet, is associated with grace, elegance, and beauty, with the main goal of captivating audiences with a mesmerizing performance, however that being said, there is far more to it than rehearsal, tutus, and strenuous repetition, it has been long plagued by addiction: to drugs, thinness, eating disorders, perfectionism, sexual assault, and much more.

I wanted to delve into the complex interplay of factors that contribute to all the issues within the ballet community whilst shedding light on the physical and psychological tolls the industry has on its dancers.

When I started to fall in love with ballet, I always focused on technique, and I was good, but one thing that set me apart from some of the other dancers, my weight. I had always been the tallest girl out of my girls in my class, coming in at around 177/178 (5’9/5’10) and weighed in at around 59.87 kg (132 lbs. it fluctuated but it usually wouldn’t increase further than that naturally, but bear in mind I was eating normally and dancing around six times a week for four hours per class), being the only mixed-race girl throughout my years of dancing, I stuck out like a sore thumb; I didn’t mind it, but I was constantly reminded of it which you can probably imagine it made me self-conscious, and that’s when the demon spawn called anorexia poisoned me. I knew that I couldn’t change the color of my skin no matter how much I stayed out of the sun, as my winter color was most’s summer shade, you can’t win it all, I knew I could control how much I weighed, and we all know what happens when those types of thoughts start to poison you.

That’s rather presumptuous of me to assume, some of you might have a general understanding but not in the context of how said thoughts and actions would present in a ballet context, let me explain; one of the key driving factors that I have personally noticed and experienced within ballet is the unrelenting pressure that we feel on a (for what feels like a) secondly basis to attain – and I apologize in advance for being crude – that bastard George Balanchine’s ballet body or as close to it as “healthily” possible, the mindset was:

Do it whatever possible to achieve it (Balanchine’s vision for a body) just don’t end up in the hospital, it will be bad for the school’s reputation.

(One of my female dance masters)

To begin with, ballet was never through the lens of Balanchine, Mathilde Kschessinska is a fine example of this, for me, she defines the original way of looking in ballet which I deemed to be just as beauty if not more, it takes a great deal of strength to become a ballet dancer, more than anyone can imagine unless you’re training. Then, during the early 20th century (around 1904) ballet then began to adapt to a darker way of presenting beauty through the art of dance: anorexia, bulimia, drug use, any means possible to have your bones visible, and of course another aspect, which is unsurprising “sexual relations” all to meet the satisfaction of his vision an emphasis on: elongated slim neck, long slender arms, svelte waist, toned lean legs and virtually weightless appearance.

I’m an all or nothing girl and I’m always up for a challenge. I had some of the required features, but my enemy was my stomach, breasts, and and my butt, the way the I fought with myself to achieve the stomach that I ended up having that was soul crushing, I used to eat around food, cutting as if I had eaten it, would avoid carbs, workout four times a week before or after class, and avoid sugar unless it came from fruit, like my life depended on it and eventually I did it, my leotard eventually lightly concaved where my stomach was flat, but then my hair started falling out in clumps, my beautiful, thick, jet black, curly hair. I began to panic, and Google was very sparse at the time because every answer led to "eat," and I couldn’t do that as I worked so hard and my dance master was so proud of me so I couldn’t disappoint her and then black spots started to plague my vision, dizziness, and lightheaded feelings.

The only surprising part is that I somehow was still menstruating, much lighter than before, but the cramps were probably the worst that I ever had. The pressure took a toll on my mental as well as my physical health, so after ten years at age sixteen, I had to quit going to physical classes otherwise, I probably wouldn’t even be here, but I could never give it up I just practiced at home to keep myself alive. I did return to taking class again at the age of eighteen, when I was in a better headspace (we’ll circle back to that).

When it came to casting shows, this never (for whatever reason) felt nerve-racking for me which seems bizarre with the way I tortured my body to exactly fit into the mold that Balanchine had created. Kind of ironic, no? I never wanted to have lead roles because I knew that I would end up in the hospital due to stress and other things… Casting was always based on skill first and then your physique, age didn’t matter where I trained, we had a mixed adult age group, which made life a little easier, as when I take the class before mine, where the girls were around thirteen to around sixteen and I had never felt more self-conscious, I knew they were teenagers, but I felt like a fucking whale next to girls who were only a few years my junior. I know, it’s fucked but those are the rules.

One thing I do remember vividly is one of the girls who danced in the junior classes as she was a minor, she happened to fit what my dance mistress wanted, which seemed even more extreme. Balanchine’s vision she ended up being the lead in her age groups showcase as well as the lead for the adult showcase, which was, if memory serves me correctly, it was “La Esmeralda” which is hard enough for someone in their 20’s let alone a fifteen year old. She managed it, Christ knows how, but she ended up with an injury after the second show, but she tried to dance on after making some illegal concoction to inject into her foot before rehearsals, to which she ended up damaging a nerve in her foot and apparently, from what I’ve told hasn’t danced since.

One of the main things I wanted to discuss was training, as it’s probably one of the most, if not the most rigorous, training I’ve ever put my body through alongside horse riding. Ballet has demanded every aspect of my soul, this isn’t something you can half ass, it’s impossible to do causally, I’ve missed birthdays, having a normal life, boyfriends, girlfriends, whoever I fell for always had to come second, and it hurt when they just expected me to pick one or the other, why couldn’t I have both? I hated the extremes of one or the other and never any middle ground. It was for the best not being with people who couldn’t support my passions.

Training took up so much of my time it was grueling, and breaks came very infrequently as choreography took the main priority during gala season and it was when we ate the least, it was around six hours of training with around two 30-minute breaks, one for lunch and the other for stretching. We didn’t have “family dinner” we replaced it for group stretching so that we could build up our flexibility, strength and then when we felt warm we’d mark the choreography to further build our stamina. It was completely and utterly relentless, which caused a lot of injuries to the girls I danced with and in turn they would abuse a variety of substances to numb whatever excruciating pain they must’ve been feeling but I by some miracle came out physically unscathed in that regard, it didn’t stop me smoking to keep my weight down. That’s one habit I haven’t managed to kick yet, whoops.

Pain management is something a ballerina knows all too well; prescription drugs are not an uncommon assistant in our world. I knew many guys and girls who would abuse all kinds of opioids as well as cocaine just to get through classes and you could most definitely tell when they were on them they’d behave so aggressively if they made mistakes and would explode in anger and storm out, come back a few moment and apologize, rinse and repeat, I noticed those who were most desperate to “manage” their pain had far more to lose or were most likely to have a verbal reprimanding for not living up to their parent’s expectations which saddened me to see some of my closest friends destroy themselves for a role where there was no guarantee that they’d make the company; whilst only recall one use of IV injection to a foot injury I heard it became more common after I took a break from classes which horrified as for some it had been the last time they danced due to incorrect insertion of the injection.

We still aren’t the best at acknowledging that there is still rampant drug use, eating disorders, abuse of power and sexual favors in exchange for roles (usually by male choreographers or principal dancers). If we as a collective tried to shift away from the toxic embodiment of what Balanchine created ballet could create a better environment for the next generation of dancers.

To conclude, ballet isn’t just tutus, bright lights and flower bouquets after the performance is over and the curtain goes down, whilst a beautiful art-form it’s incredibly dark and mentally taxing environment, it has honestly weighed me down more than any costume ever could, unfortunately still with an ever blinding presence of substance abuse and eating disorders and the confluence of unattainable body ideals and the physical demand of this art-form on top of the psychological pressures force fed like geese during harvest season for foie gras forms a toxic amalgam that further perpetuates these issues; however if in future we get better at acknowledging the blatant issues within the ballet world and advocate for a more positive conversation around body image, well-being and balanced eating that is centered around our artistry and athleticism, all whilst safeguarding our mental and physical health then I would deem that to be a vast improvement.

With that, I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the late and monumentally great Alvin Ailey:

I am trying to show the world that we are all human beings, and that color is not important. What is important is the quality of our work.

(Alvin Ailey)

Thank you so much for taking the time to sit and read this article it means far more than you can imagine and with that I will leave you to peruse the small discography of work that I have here.